Conversation Caution Signs

The biggest challenge it seems we have with handling our crucial conversations well is managing our emotions. Most of us just get too stinking emotional for our own liking – then we focus more on trying not to cry or trying not to explode and guess what happens anyway…?

When we care so strongly about something that we get overly emotional trying to talk about it, the frustration can be paralyzing. At these moments when we are under the influence of adrenaline we end up handling our most important conversations when we are actually at our worst.

Everyone knows that adrenaline is meant for fight or flight but what you may not know is it is also meant to shut down your brain’s higher reasoning centre so you can react without thinking. This is great when you hear footsteps in a dark alley, but not great when you are in a work meeting or you’re trying to get somewhere in a serious conversation with your significant other… adrenaline bumps us into conversations that are now managed by our reptilian brains. In these moments we are on auto-pilot, and that pilot is an idiot. Our cruise control is worse than a speeding Tesla. After the conversation we do the play-by-play and cannot for the life of us understand why we said some of the things that we did… or we start thinking of all the things we should have said but didn’t.

In the heat of the moment there is value in us recognizing that we are under the influence of adrenaline. If we recognize it, we can do something about it – the challenge is that it happens to us so often that we don’t recognize it anymore. Familiarity breeds mindlessness… something happens so often we stop noticing it. In keeping with the Latin proverb, “to be forewarned is to be forearmed” if we can can recognize it, we can be better prepared for what comes next.

There is nothing wrong with using the recognition of the presence of adrenaline to postpone a conversation - provided that we are not just avoiding it or withdrawing from it. Make sure the other party understands that the intention is to hold a more effective conversation after a period of time in order to calm down and show up in a more productive way. Saying something like, “you know, this conversation is important to me – YOU are important to me – and I want to make sure I am fully capable of having it so I just need a bit of time. Could we discuss it tomorrow after work?”

Having said all this, we still have to be prepared to have our conversations in the heat of the moment. Even if you postpone a conversation to the next day, you still might find your emotions and adrenaline kick back in the moment the conversation is restarted.

To re-engage my brain, I give it a job to do or a problem to solve – change up my pattern of thinking so that it has to focus in a way that is different from what it is used to. Perhaps I can ask myself, “how can I say what I need to in a respectful way?” When we do this, the blood flow and oxygen can redirect to our brains, re-engaging our higher reasoning centres. BUT, first, you need to notice that adrenaline is present in order to do something about it… SO, watch for the physiological signs of adrenaline that are common for you. Mine is heart racing, hands shaking, blood rushing through my ears… For you it may be very different. One of my best girlfriends was challenged to pay attention to her cues and she noticed something she has never noticed before – her hands go ice cold. Another person I met in a Crucial Conversations®️ class I was teaching said their right armpit gets itchy. That is very specific! But, unless we pay attention, we won’t know what is true for us.

Know what your cues are so they can become your caution signs. Contrary to what you might think, caution signs do not mean speed up, close your eyes and cross your fingers! Caution signs mean slow down, proceed with caution, the conditions of your conversation have changed – the psychological safety of the conversation is at risk. So, what are your signs?

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