Problematic Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

I belong to a group of curious people who get excited about experiments and analytical data pertaining to common situations impacted by our social psychology – this is to say my education is in Social Psychology. Tell me Walter Mischel found that kids who eat one marshmallow, instead of waiting 5 minutes so they can eat TWO marshmallows, proves that the kids lacking willpower will be abysmal failures in later life, get out of my way of the baking aisle at Safeway because I’m doing this experiment tonight with my 5-year-old and you can bet I will cry all night long when she eats the fluff before I even set the timer.

So, a curious segment of study around self-fulfilling prophecies was of particular interest to me in my work as a coach helping people who are learning to master the skills to have more effective crucial conversations. For context, a self-fulfilling prophecy is an expectation or prediction – positive or negative – about something or someone that can affect a person’s behaviour in a way that leads those expectations to become a reality. While there are a many different types of prophecies studied by psychologists, self-imposed SFP’s have been the cause of countless dialogue disasters.

Many years ago, at the beginning of my career in leadership, I was driving to a work lunch with a person I found to be pretty intimidating. We would meet a couple times a year and each time I would dread it. This time, I took note of how I was feeling – anxious – and then I looked at what I was thinking, which was, “I hate this. I don’t want to go. We will make a bit of awkward small talk and then I’ll nervously talk too much, laugh at inappropriate times and say something stupid, which will naturally lead to me feeling judged and embarrassed for the rest of my days.”

Well, it occurred to me as my road rage was gaining momentum that the stinkin’ thinkin’ was causing me stress. As someone who is not overly fond of stress, I decided to picture the meeting going well, instead. Not just well, actually, fantastically well! I pictured us laughing, making easy conversation that allowed us to better connect, where I could be myself but not worry about being judged. In the end, this is exactly what happened, and I’ve been hooked on this concept for myself ever since.

It’s not a big leap to say that the same can hold true for your crucial conversations. When I ask people what emotions they might feel during a crucial conversation, these words come up every time: scared, anxious, nervous, defensive, sad, threatened, bullied… If I were to ask you this question, would you say these things, or would you say: excited! Nervous but in a good way! Full of anticipation for a resolution!? My guess is that it’s more likely you fall into the former category, and yet, crucial conversations can be very positive experiences! Asking for a raise is a huge anxiety perpetuator, but in the end, when you get the raise, it’s SO awesome that you want to dance on Oprah’s couch! Other examples: discussing with your significant other the addition of a child to the family, or a move to a warmer climate, or starting a business. A marriage proposal is a positive crucial conversation (for many… obviously not for all, which is why the proposer is often overcome with nerves and not volunteering to raise their hand if they’re SUREÔ). These are all potentially positive situations but even these conversations can be dreaded by the most confident of people.

A study conducted at the University of Colorado found that hospital patients who expect a painful experience are more likely to feel pain – even when the stimulus is quite low on the pain induction scale. Researchers used magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to measure the brain’s response to stimuli when the subject expects the experience to be painful. The results showed that people experience more extreme pain because of that negative self-fulfilling prophecy, no matter what type of stimulation they receive.

We expect our crucial conversations to be painful, and that is, in many cases, why they actually ARE painful. Unless you are the star employee at the Psychic Hotline, you do not know how your conversation will turn out. Why do we picture it going poorly? We only end up psyching ourselves out, and in many cases, this causes us to avoid having the conversation entirely. The American Psychological Association reports that, in general, when a person’s cognition affects their behaviour it is called a “schema.” In some situations, this schema can go on to affect the situation, resulting in a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, your conversation does go down in flames and you use this experience to prove your original hypothesis.

A SFP is an example of bias, a belief that can affect the outcome. Being aware of negative self-fulfilling prophecies can help you change your stinky self-talk and avoid the unwanted effects of these predictions. Conversely, if you practice optimism and predict better things for yourself, you can use self-fulfilling prophecies to your advantage.

So, I say, picture it going well! You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

https://youtu.be/PBkzVV5S3pw?si=30_DhCCOVA8HMpqi